LightningHunter's Parody
by LightningHunter
Summary: LightningHunter's Parody of fics we hate. Parody of badly written fics, high school fics, selfinserts, male pregnancies, people who can't write summaries, and unoriginality. Mrated for a lot of language. Chapter 2! Also features LightningHunter's flames!
1. Chapter 1

Yes, LightningHunter is here, to hit back at those very, very bad fics. Let's start off with the badly written fic, shall we?

* * *

The author, inexperienced and useless, had failed every single literacy test, and no idea how the way of fanfictions work, began to think of a bad story. 

**Title:** SUP3R NARU2

**Summary:** AFT3R G3TNG BAETN UP BY VILAEGRS NARU2 M3RGES WIT KYUBI AND BCOMES SUPER STRONG

**Genre:** Adventure/Romance (Everyone looks for those, so it's good to put mine there, thought the author happily).

CHAPTAR 1

NARUTO WAS G3TNG BAETN BY DA VILAEGRS AND FINALY THEY L3FT HIM AND HA FEL UNCONSCIOS!11!!!!!! OMG HA FOUND HIMS3LF IN HIS MIND AND A GIANT DAMON IN FRONT OF HIM!!1!!!!1! "OMG WTF WHO R U?!!!!??" HE SHOUT3D. "IM TEH KYUBI AND M S3AELD IN U!11!!! WTF I WIL M3RGE WIT U AND U CAN R MAH POWER!1!1!11"

The author happily typed that load of bollocks onto the computer, when suddenly the wall broke down.

"AH!" screamed Naruto. "Enough! You are in violation of code LH:78352!"

"WUT TAHT??!!!??? OMG LOL IVA NEV3R HEARD OF IT!" said the author.

"Your terrible writing skills have created a bullshit fanfiction!" shouted Naruto. "And as well as that, you and others block up the decent fanfics!"

"R U GONG 2 D3L3T3 MAH ACOUNT??!!??! OMG!" said the author.

Naruto chuckled, before pulling out a shotgun and pointing it at the author. "Delete your account? You wish."

The roar of a shotgun was followed by an author's screams...

* * *

Oh, that was good. Let's follow on quickly, with the good old "high school fic." 

'I know!' suddenly decided a high school dropout. 'I remember how shit my high school life was, so I'll do it again by putting the Naruto characters in, except that everything goes right this time! OMG! I'm so clever!'

**Title:** Konoha High (unoriginal, but the sort of shit they come up with)

**Summary:** The gang have to deal with high school life! HIGH SCHOOL FIC! NARUHINA! SASUSAKU! (unoriginal, by yet again, typical, of the uneducated, incompetent that is a high school fic writer)

**Genre:** Romance/Drama (after all high school fics are so interesting...NOT!)

Chapter 1:

Sakura was walking happily to school with her best friend Hinata. They met their boyfriends, Sasuke and Naruto, and began to kiss passionately. (What's more, since these kind of fics tend to focus on the girl cast, due to female authors, let's change it slightly)

The girls sat at their lunch table. They were the most popular people in the school. They chatted about ...stuff that would become the bullshit storyline.

(Hmm, let's change it slightly again)

Their best friend, and the most popular girl in the school arrived at the table. (Also known as the author's bloody self-insert.)

Fortunately, at this point, suddenly a person broke through the window.

"Enough!" screamed LightningHunter.

"WTF?" said everyone.

"I'm counteracting your dirty self-insert with my own, clean self-insert!" said LightningHunter. "Now, time to die." The self-insert put on a hockey mask, and pulled out a chainsaw.

He made damn sure to remove every bone from the author's self-insert body, before sawing off her fingers and toes, before sawing of the hands and feet, before the legs and arms, before finally cutting through the torso, before cutting through her head. Then for good measure, he pissed on her, before lighting a match and burning her, and eventually scattering the ashes to ensure the self-insert was well and truly dead.

Oh, that was enjoyable. And no, I am not being sexist by saying a female author, but have you people ever checked the author's profile of a high-school fic? The majority do tend to be female. In fact, I can't remember the last male author who wrote a high-school fic.

* * *

Now, let's move on. I started self-inserts in the last one, so let's end it. 

"My life sucks," whined a little angsty shit of an author. (Yes, I know angsty isn't a word). "I haven't even considered there are people worse off than me, people who would give their eyes and ears to be in my position. I know, I'll make a fic where I rule!"

**Title:** Me and the Naruto Cast

**Summary:** (After much consideration, the author decided to do the T.V. sucking them into the show, rather than a dream, or computer) No one told me I could get sucked into a TV while watching Naruto! Self-Insert! SI x (hmm, for pairings, I suppose, if it was male, they'd probably do an aged down version of Tsunade, or someone younger, ranging from Kurenai and Anko to Sakura and Hinata. If female, most likely Naruto or Sasuke)

**Genre:** Adventure/Romance

Chapter 1

(From a female author)

"Hey, I'm in the world of Naruto! Cool!" she exclaimed.

"Who are you?" said someone.

She turned to see Sasuke and Naruto.

"OMG! I'm your biggest fan! Both of you!"

"Why are you his fan?!" said Naruto.

"Fangirls..." grumbled Sasuke.

"But watch! I know all the jutsus!" said the girl, before pulling of a Rasengan and Chidori at the same time.

"That was beautiful!" said the two. "Marry me!"

"I'll marry both of you!" she squealed excitedly. "Let's start the honeymoon early!"

(From a male author)

"Hey, I'm in the world of Naruto! Cool" he exclaimed.

"Who are you?" said someone (not much difference, is there?).

He turned to see all the Naruto girl cast, all scantily clad, and bathing.

"I'm the best ninja in the world!" he said, before pulling of a Rasengan and Chidori at the same time.

"That was beautiful!" said the girls. "Marry me!"

"I'll marry all of you!" he said excitedly. "Let's start the honeymoon early!"

And how LightningHunter ends it...

(Female author)

"Enough! Psst...guys," whispered a voice, and Naruto and Sasuke turned to see a guy wearing a hoodie .

"Wow, cool outfit," said Naruto.

"I don't like it, I wanted the Ringwraith outfit," complained the guy, before moving on. "Do you want some special water to throw at your fiancée?"

"Why should we throw water at her?"

"Because it'll relax her and..." the guy broke off, seeing their unconvinced faces, before trying something new. "and she'll teach you all her jutsus."

"Deal," said the two, grabbing the bottles.

"By the way, try not to touch the stuff, or inhale it."

"Guys!" said the self-insert. "I'm ready!" she said, lying down.

"Now!" whispered the guy.

The two opened the bottles and threw the liquid at the self-insert.

"AAAH! I'M MELTING! MELTING!"

"I see!" said Naruto. "She's the Reaper of Death, and this is holy water!"

"Don't rip off my master's fics!" roared the guy.

"Your master! But that means..."

"Yes, I am LightningHunter's self-insert, created for the purpose to exterminate all self-inserts save myself!" said he. "And that, is sulphuric acid," pointing his finger at the dying self-insert. "Want to help me butcher her?"

The two agreed instantly, and butchered her, before going down to a pub, where they got filthy drunk, started several fights, played several games of darts which resulted in darts lodging themselves in Chouji's rear, read Icha Icha to kids, and generally made nuisances of themselves before waking up in jail the next day.

(Male author)

"Enough! Pervert!" said a voice, and the girls turned to see a towel-clad woman. "He's looking at all of us scantily clad! He's a pervert!"

The girls gasped, and began to beat the shit out of the self-insert, and walked away, also telling the woman to deliver the finishing blow.

"I have one question," said the dying self-insert. "Are you LightningHunter's female self-insert?"

"No, he thought that sounded creepy. I'm one of his OCs. Now, die," she said cheerfully, before castrating and killing him.

Yes, yes, that was brilliant. I know. And I did a male and female author at the same time.

* * *

Moving on. Now, let's discuss the thing I like to call a "load of shit", but the idiots who write it call it "Mpreg." 

"OMG!" squealed some stupid author (who let us say is female, because I have never seen a male write mpreg. Heck, I haven't seen gay males write mpreg). "Naruto and Sasuke are so hot! I know, I'll write a incredibly crap fic on how they sleep together and have kids, even though that's impossible in every way, save my demented and fucked up imagination! But of course, I must masturbate to those disturbing images of one of them giving birth."

The author begins masturbation, while I throw up, disgusted by the mental images of Naruto and Sasuke sleeping together and having kids, but mostly at the thought of this mpreg author masturbating, and as we all know, mpreg authors are hideous, repulsive, smell very bad, cost less than a penny for you-know-what, slit their wrists, and have minds that move at the speed of shit.

"Ah, now I'm done!" suddenly exclaimed the author. "Time to write that fic! Or then again, that can wait! Time to rape my younger siblings!"

The author rapes the younger siblings, using methods Orochimaru would like to know.

"Ah, now I'm done!" exclaimed the author again. "Oh don't you cry!" she yells at her crying siblings. "I'll teach you something else that'll take away the pain! Slitting your wrists!"

The author slits the younger siblings' wrists, before going back to the computer.

**Title:** BABY!

**Summary:** NARUTO AND SASUKE GET DRUNK AND SLEEP TOGETHER! WHAT WILL THEY DO WHEN THEY DISCOVER WHEN ONE IS PREGNANT! NARUSASU! SLASH! SMUT! MPREG! LEMONY GOODNESS!

**Genre:** Romance (How the fuck is this romance?!")

CHAPTER 1

NARUTO WAS DRINKING, AND SO WAS SASUKE! BEFORE LONG THEY WERE WALKING HOME, SUPPORTING EACH OTHER, WONDERING WHY THEY WERE FEELING SO WARM AND FUZZY! THE NEXT THING THEY KNEW, THEY WERE-

"ENOUGH! STOP THIS!" screamed Naruto, appearing in the author's room. "MUST CENSOR WORDS!"

"RRARRGH!" shouted Kyuubi, inside Naruto. "DESTROY THE BITCH! GET RID OF THESE MENTAL IMAGES! TAKE AS MUCH CHAKRA AS YOU NEED!"

-IN A BEDROOM-

Naruto concentrated the chakra, forming a giant red spear, and he aimed at the computer and the author, hoping to take both out in one shot.

-THEY WERE UNDRES-

Naruto began to run forward.

_His headband was stifling. It narrowed his vision, and he must see far. His giant shuriken was heavy. It threw him off balance. And his target is far away..._

Naruto threw the spear, his mouth open in anger.

-SING EACH OTHER, AND THEN SASUKE THREW NARUTO ONTO THE-

The spear snaked through the air, heading to its target...before scratching the author and the computer.

The author slapped her hand to her face, before pulling it away, freaking out at the blood, and then suddenly started looking for bandages.

Naruto crashed to the ground, weakened by the drain of the chakra and by stopping suddenly.

_The Sannin say that he is descended from the Yondaime himself. Bold Naruto gives testament to his bloodline. His roar is long and loud..._

The author bandaged herself up, before continuing writing the story.

-BED, AND-

Naruto covered his ears, his eyes desperately closed.

-THEN THEY BEGAN TO-

No. Don't! Don't! Damn it don't!

-FU-

Suddenly the author froze, nine dogs holding her in place.

"Yo," said a voice behind Naruto, revealing himself to be Kakashi. "Now, deal with her!"

The dogs began to "deal with her".

"Er...what are they doing," asked Naruto, before realising himself. "Oh my days!" he said, before vomiting over the floor.

"Well, there's actually a possibility she'll enjoy it," said Kakashi, smashing the computer with a sledgehammer. "It is a proven fact that mpreg authors have fetishes for just about everything, such as bestiality, necrophilia, paedophilia, crapophilia-"

"What the fuck's that?" asked Naruto.

"When people eat crap in sexual activities," said Kakashi. "Vomit-o-philia, which I'm sure you can guess what that means, and so many other things."

"What were you doing here anyway?"

"As a man who loves sex, and I mean the good kind, not this load of shit, it is my duty to kill and maim those who would not agree with it, and make their own sick crap."

"What bonuses do you get?"

"Tell ya what. Join me as my sidekick, and I'll tell you about it on the way to kill Orochimaru off for good."

"Let's go!"

The dogs kill the author and disappear. And Naruto and Kakashi run out, as the screen fades and the old Batman theme tune begins to play in the background.

That is but a fraction I can write about the load of shit. Now, time to move on, and hopefully forget the very mention of mpreg. Heck, it's not even a word. Refer to it as a load of shit, as calling it mpreg is exactly what those dirty authors want you to call it.

* * *

As I was saying, time to move on. Let's do a short one, of people who can't write summaries. 

Far away from you (and there's a thing to think yourself lucky about) an average author sits at their average computer, typing in an average story.

It's rather average, liked by fellow average people, and those below average, but they can't always understand it, as the vocabulary is somewhat different. Think of it as...a "load of shit" author trying to read a masterpiece by a brilliant author. (If you want to read some fics by brilliant authors, check my favourite authors on my profile page. What am I saying, you've already read their fics because they're that brilliant)

However, this average author is not average, as they are ridiculously stupid and have to write something like:

Can't really write a summary OR

I suck at summaries OR

You'll have to read it to find out!

You see, some idiot several years ago got the idea that if they **didn't** say what the story is about, more people will be interested in it.

THAT IS THE STUPIDEST, LAMEST, MOST FUCKED UP, SHIT-EATING, BITCHY, BALL-LICKING, &(!£, $$", ££, (utters several more swear words that would get me arrested) SINCE THE LOAD OF SHIT THAT THE AUTHORS OF IT CALL MPREG!

That means this is either one of several things.

The first thing is that if they can't write a summary, the story is that bollocks and random that you can't summarise the shit.

The second thing is that if they can't write a summary, they clearly can't write a fic either, and should be forgotten about, after you swear at them for filling up the site with shit.

The third thing is that the story is that bollocks that you wouldn't read it if you knew what would happen, so the author has to hope someone is a big enough prick to fall for this.

The last thing is all three of those things combined.

* * *

Moving on... 

Unoriginality

Let's do a typical unoriginal story, featuring Naruto meets Kyuubi at a young age.

I know! Said an author. I've read loads of "Naruto meets Kyuubi" fics, and they're all popular, so if I wrote one, I'd become really popular as well!"

Tosser. A real tosser.

**Title:** Half-Demon

**Summary:** After getting beaten, Naruto meets Kyuubi, who lends him his great power. What will happen to Naruto now?! Greatest story ever!

**Genre:** Adventure/Romance

Chapter 1

Naruto was lying in the gutter picking up his teeth, when he fell unconscious. In the darkness of his mind, he found great bars, and there shined a shiny demon.

"Who are you?" he stammered.

"I am the Kyuubi, the demon sealed in you!" roared the shiny demon, shining red.

"What do you want?"

"You are too weak! Despite the fact you are only four years old, which means it's IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to start training at that age, even a ninja, I'm going to start training you and make you a worthy container!"

"Okay!"

Insert eight-year montage.

Naruto was the coolest kid in the Ninja Academy, Rookie of the Year, blah blah blah, had fangirls, blah blah blah, had fanboys, blah blah blah.

(Hey, said the author! People like harems, so if I chuck one in, I'll get more readers. Thinking of it, I should put him in a male and female harem, to attract more readers! I'm so clever!)

And he had loads of people in his male and female harem, and often got into rather gay frolics with them.

INSERT BISEXUAL LEMONS FOR ABOUT TWENTY PAGES

Then the author also added:

INSERT HOMOSEXUAL LEMONS FOR ABOUT FIFTY PAGES

Meanwhile, at LightningHunter's house...

"Free Cheese, only fill in fifty surveys...no," said he, dryly, clicking open another fanfiction page, to try and select something, when the ad we all hate appeared. "That stupid Blinx advert, taking the entire bloody page! Go to hell, you stupid, useless, hell-making, obscene...(continues rant for about five minutes, before skipping ad)"

Hunter scrolls down page, before his eye catches: "Half Demon. After getting beaten- been there, seen that, read it a thousand times- Greatest Story Ever? Let's put that to the test..."

Reads fic.

Throws up into paper-bin.

"OH MY...FUCKING GOD! THAT WAS THE GAYEST THING EVER! AND THE GAYEST ,UNORIGINAL FUCKED UP FANFICTION THAT YET AGAIN, CLOGS UP THE FUCKING PAGES! I'M GONNA WRITE TO THIS FAG AND TELL HIM/HER JUST WHAT I THINK OF HIS/HER HOMOSEXUAL NARUTO FIC!"

Begins typing.

To The Complete Gay Twat who wrote this load of shit.

Burn in the deepest abyss of hell. You damn made me fucking vomit, with your gay orgies and your complete stupidity in the summary about not mentioning that this was slash, as well as saying it was the greatest story ever. You gay faggot.

I hope you die a really painful death. Like AIDS! I want you to die of AIDS! FUCKING DIE! YOU USELESS, STUPID, DONKEY-RAPING, SHIT-EATING, COCK-SUCKING, BALL-LICKING, ASS-KISSING, BULL-SHITTING, SISTER-FUCKING, FUCKED UP WHORE!

Have a good day,

From your friendly neighbourhood LightningHunter

The author returns home, expecting ten thousand hits, fifty communities, two thousand alerts, and one hundred and fifty reviews.

Well, the author actually got fifty hits, no communities, one alerts, and seven reviews, all of which were flames.

"This is bull-shit!" exclaimed the author. "Only fifty hits, and this LightningHunter called me a Complete Gay Twat as well as a number of other things! Well, I'll revenge myself on him!"

Author puts up another chapter, saying.

This story will be on permanent hiatus, because of the –sniff, cries like a whiny bitch- person called LightningHunter who flamed my story. If you like this story, or me –as if a person like this who has no friends in real life could get friends online- flame him back until he quits. I will never write again as long as he is on this site.

And back to LightningHunter's profile

**Hey everyone! It turns out I was successful in driving off this stupid fuck of an author who can't write two shits. If you want a copy of the flame I sent, PM me and I'll send it to you, and hopefully you can use it to drive off other stupid fucks.**

**I'll be celebrating by posting twenty omakes by the end of the week.**

**LightningHunter**

And the end of a successful day.

Note- The flame is also remarkably efficient in getting rid of the "load of shit" authors.

Note- I'm also aware some people will try to get this deleted, or me kicked off the site. Big deal. I'll just make a new account, stories under the same names so everyone can remember me, just really a different name.

If you try to get this deleted, or kick me off the site, then you're just a –INSERT FLAME-. It means you can't handle the truth. I don't try to get these shit authors kicked off the site, and they continue writing their bollocks stories.

And why do I come off looking like the bad guy?

It's a proven fact that if all bollocks stories came of the Naruto Fanfiction, we'd probably have only about a few hundred left. I'm the better man to admit quite a few of my stories would go as well.

But I'd regret nothing.

LightningHunter

Do you have any requests for the next chapter of the parody? Otherwise, this will be a one-shot.


	2. Chapter 2

LightningHunter's Parody is back, and in time for Christmas. Due to the whole, festive season, let's hit at those crappy one-shots and "Twelve Chapters for Christmas" and all that type of shit that seems to spring up in December.

Sorry, but this is all short, and quite rushed.

LightningHunter's Self-Insert will also make his comeback, save that there aren't any self-inserts for him to kill this time.

* * *

"OMG!" squealed a misc.author. "I luv SasuNaru, and I luv Xmas! Let's combine them into a fic!"

Title: Village Hidden in Leaves and Snow! (Yes, they cannot ever write decent titles...)

Summary: Naruto opens his door on Xmas to see a very special someone!! OMG! SASUNARU! PLZ R&R (R&R, urgh. That's the most homosexual pleading you can get. Your summary is supposed to convince people to read it, not ask them to. That's just sad.)

Genre: Romance (Jesus, I think I'm gonna hurl...)

Chapter 1!

It was a cold day, and Naruto was all alone in his apartment at Christmas. Then suddenly, there was a knock at the door. He opened it, and it was Sasuke! OMG!

"What are you doing here?!" he asked.

"To show you some- did the door just knock again?"

They opened the door, to see...LightningHunter's Self-Insert who enjoys killing other Self-Inserts.

"Any self inserts here?" he asked.

"No."

"Oh well, I'll just do this." He pointed a shotgun at them. "Where is the fucking author, bitch?!"

"I'll be your bitch, hunney," said Sasuke in a clearly gay manner, and his clothes suddenly changed to a dress.

"Suck cock in hell!" Roared LHSI, as he blew Sasuke's brains out. "Now where is the fucking author?!"

"Up there," gulped Naruto.

"Now listen here," said LHSI. "You are made out to be clearly straight in the anime/manga, and you will damn well stay that way! Got that?!"

"Yes sir!" barked Naruto, suddenly forming a salute.

"Good, and you can help me kill your author!"

And so, LHSI and Naruto proceeded to kill the author, using a method called: being thrown into a pit of man-eating rabid bears, after being dressed as a bear's favourite food and being dipped in some meat sauce all bears love.

* * *

Take that, bitch. Now, I received a number of requests, and I'll do this in a Santa way.

Imagine picture of LightningHunter dressed as old Father Christmas as an elf brings a sack of envelopes. LightningHunter takes the first envelope, and says: "Ah, it seems young Mof13 requested Mary Sues and poorly written Crack fics! Well, I'd never disappoint someone who has the spirit of Christmas- uh, the spirit of believing in LightningHunter's rants."

* * *

"I know!" said an author. "I should write a fic where Naruto gains a useful sensei, not someone like Kakashi or Jiraiya! I'd better make up a good one."

Title: Naruto's New Sensei

Summary: Naruto realises to be strong, he needs a good sensei. And to do that, he needs to find one soon. And he does so with auditions! R&R!

Genre: Adventure/Humour (Believe me, this will be funny...hehehehehe)

Chapter 1

"First audition," said Naruto dully. The judge composed of him, and a masked and hooded guy who shall remain anonymous. "To a Mr. Ebisu."

"I trained the honourable grandson of the honourable Hokage!" screamed Ebisu. "And I am more than capable of training-"

"NEXT!"

"I smoke!" shouted Asuma.

"YOU SUCK! NEXT!"

"..." said Shino's Dad, who's name Naruto couldn't remember.

"NOW YOU JUST SWALLOW! NEXT!"

"YOUTHFULNESS IS MY MIDDLE NAME!" screamed Gai, jumping onto the stage.

"WELL, STUPID FUCK IS YOUR SURNAME! NEXT!"

"IT'SA ME, MARIO!"

"IT'SA YOU, GOING OUT THE DOOR!

"MAMA MIA!"

"NEXT!"

"I!" shouted some random female who Naruto have never met.

"I what?!"

"I am the Fourth Sannin, the sister to the Yondaime Hokage, the carrier of the Rinnegan, Byakugan and Sharingan, jinchurriku of the Eight-Tails, the long lost sister of Itachi and Sasuke, the summoner of Slugs, Snakes and Toads, a Seal Master, a Master of all Jutsu, and my name is...Mary Sue."

"What?" said Naruto. "That's not a very Japanese name."

"Well, I'm better than anyone else who auditioned. And besides, who's he?" she pointed her thumb at he who shall remain anonymous. "What kind of a name is he who shall remain anonymous?!"

"You want to know his name?" smirked Naruto.

"You wanna know my name, foo?!" He pulled of the hood, and revealed himself to be...not Mr.T, but, LHSI! He pulled out a gigantic war-hammer, and leapt through the air, and cracked the skull of the Mary-Sue. He then cut her head off with a blunt pen-knife, before impaling an Ancient Greek-styled spear up her anus.

"Naruto, here," LHSI passed the head over. "With her eyes, you can bear three bloodlines!"

"Awesome. I knew something good would turn up if we waited long enough," grinned Naruto, as he scooped the eyes out. "Anyway, have fun killing the author!"

"Oh, I will, I will!" grinned LHSI, as he started to drive a monster truck towards the author's house.

* * *

"Ho Ho ho! Now time for the Poorly written Crack fic!"

* * *

"FUNNY!" screamed an author with the sanity of the Joker. "FUNNY IS IMPORTANT! MUST MAKE JOKE...THAT WAS FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Title: A FUNNY day

Summary: FUNNY events start happening all over Konoha. R&R! Really FUNNY!

Genre: Humour/Parody

FUNNY Chapter 1

One day, Naruto was walking down a road, he meet...Itachi. Itachi charges Naruto, but trips over a used condom! FUNNY!

He then walked into bar, which is strip-bar, and sees Tenten and Temari stripping! Then they knock each other by hitting heads into poles, which annoy pole dancers! FUNNY!

Naruto then scratches butt, which makes ...Tsunade puke! FUNNY!

FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY

Door burst open.

"FUCK YOU, FUNNY BOY!" screamed LightningHunter, as this is the real world, no need for LHSI. "Here's a joke for you. A man walks into a bar. Ouch!"

"...HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! HILARIOUS! A GOOD ONE! MUST MEMORI-"

The author broke off, since there was a bayonet impaled into his throat.

"Laugh now, bitch."

* * *

"Now, time for the next letter! Ho ho ho! KyuubiWindscar has requested that we make fun out of good fics gone bad, like Identity that Holds the Mask, which apparently was good, but went all paedophilic yaoi!...THAT'S DISGUSTING! ARGH! HAND ME AN EMPTY SACK, I NEED TO VOMIT!...THIS IS A TEN-SACK JOB GUYS!"

Admittedly, this is quite a tough job, but I'll need an example...God forgive me, but I must use one of (starts crying) my fics as an example, as I could not sacrifice true works of fanfic art. Say I was shot, and a paedophilic yaoi lover (who was actually the murderer) claimed to have permission to re-write (cries even more) Elementary and Reaper of Death.

Please, forgive me. (Wipes away tears, but starts crying again).

To satisfy their yaoi love and their paedophilic love, they separated it into both the fics.

Elementary became a fic where (cries even more) Naruto used his incredible intelligence to...seduce males, and ...(begins blubbering and finishes a pack of Kleenex) Reaper of Death now had a...Naruto/Ren pairing, which also satisfied their dirty incestuous needs, which came from long ago as their dad used to get a little friendly with them at night when mummy was out.

This filthy scum of an author happily typed in another chapter of yaoi/paedophilic orgies, before sitting back in their chair and giving a sigh as they finished masturbating to those images.

(Feel free to either cry, throw up, or both)

"FUCK YOU!"

"WTF?!" said the author, as he/she/it gazed at the computer screen.

LightningHunter was on the screen.

"What are you doing?! You're dead!" screamed the author.

"Yes, I know," said on-computer LH. "But, before I died, I was warned by a loyal fan. And so, I programmed a copy of my mind into the computer. And now it is unleashed!"

"What-What are you gonna do to me?!"

"Well, before I kill you, I think I'll treat you to knowing what I'll do. Firstly, I'm going to be able to continue my fics for all eternity!"

"NO! With LH'S Parody, no one will ever take us paedophilic yaoi lovers seriously!"

"And second of all...I will hack into the site and delete every single yaoi pairing of Naruto!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Yes, but it will not end yet! I will delete all the other fics I have protested against...off the entire Internet! HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHA!"

"You're mad!"

"Er, no. I'm sane. You're mad, bitch. Now die."

"How?!" sneered the author, leaning on the keyboard. "You're on a computer."

"By what you just did," grinned LH, as he blasted electricity through the keyboard and at the author. "SUCK TEN THOUSAND VOLTS!"

* * *

Ah, a job well done. Fortunately, I wear bulletproof armour at all times, which is very fortunate, as I don't actually know how to program my mind into a computer.

Ho ho ho! I can also see that taintedlegacy hates High School fics, and tiranor doesn't seem to be too fond of crossovers! Ho ho ho! Let's do that...oh wait, I've already done High school fics, just crossovers I suppose.

* * *

In fact, a parody of Naruto/Harry Potter crossovers.

"I know! Naruto is awesome, and Harry Potter is awesome, so I should combine the two!" said an author.

Title: Naruto meets Harry Potter

Summary: Naruto gets a letter when he is eleven, and goes to Hogwarts! PLZ R&R!

Genre: Fantasy (yeah, this is fantasy as there's no way no one could be that stupid...oh wait, there are people that stupid)

Chapter 1.

One day when Naruto was eleven, he suddenly saw an owl fly in and drop an envelope. He opened it, and read it.

"Hm..should I go to Hogwarts and learn about magic or not?"

Whether he wanted to make the decision or not, the author was going to decide for him, and Naruto was suddenly wearing a robe and tie, and brandishing a stick.

Meanwhile, at the Lightning Cave...

LH pored over a monitor. "No! This cannot be! What resemblance has Harry Potter got to do with Naruto, bleedin' hell, the wizards move like mud and need sticks to do stuff!"

He quickly turned to another monitor. "Computer, give me the list of LightningHunter's Agents and OCs!"

"LightningHunter's Self-Insert, specialises in killing other self-inserts...no. Unnamed Female OC, previously used to kill a male self-insert...no. The Original Reaper of Death...no, I don't want to terrify him. Kaori, the New Guardian of Life...nah. Ren...oh god, Naruto's eleven, she's ten, they'd form an unstoppable duo... no way. Gamasenshi the toad...Naruto can't speak toad in this story by this queer author. Female Kakashi (who still needs to get a new name) ...no, cos if they'd meet the male Kakashi, that would cause a catastrophe. Obito Hatake from Naruto Takes A Genin Squad...why's he here? He can't do much...The League of Retarded Missing-Nin...they're just retarded, and they're the bad guys. Why are they here? The butcher who was in Naruto's fridge...wtf? Unnamed OC who will be in LH's upcoming fic Hammerhand...no, can't give anyone a sneak preview. Uzumaki Inc. from Elementary...no. Female Kyuubi from Brotherhood...nah. Raiu and Ancalagon from Brotherhood...well, I'd have preferred to do just Ancalagon, but they just had to come as a pair. Alright, send them. Meanwhile, I'd better take the Hunter-Mobile to the author's house. And a bunch of machine guns, some petrol, a match, and a packet of mints."

"STOP!" screamed Raiu, as he burst into the house, kicking the door down.

"STOP!" roared Ancalagon, as he crashed into the house, demolishing it, and Raiu barely got Naruto to safety.

"What the hell?!" yelled Raiu. "I said stay in your human form! You always crash! Gah! Useless dragon!"

"Could be worse. I could be a human," remarked the dragon. "But think about this logically. We technically don't exist in this universe, so you cannot be sued.

Raiu's eyes lit up. "Oh, if that's the case..." and Raiu narrated a bunch of houses (most belonging to the Hyuuga) to Ancalagon to "fly" around.

"Who the hell are you?!" demanded Naruto.

"I'm your brother in an alternate universe, by LightningHunter."

"LightningHunter? Well that guy is awesome!"

"Yeah, he is."

"So, I'll send him a letter from Hogwarts."

Raiu smacked Naruto in the head.

"Don't go to Hogwarts, idiot!"

"Why not?!"

"Well for a start, you wouldn't be able to wear orange."

Naruto froze. "No..."

"And no ramen whatsoever!"

"No..ramen?" he said weakly.

"And as well as that, you couldn't learn or create awesome techniques like this!" Raiu prepared a series of seals, before bellowing. "Fuuton: Tsuyoi Gufuu no Jutsu (Wind Release: Powerful Hurricane Technique)."

He formed a giant tornado, before it coincidentally smashed into the Hyuuga Residence. Coincidence or what?

Meanwhile back in the Real world.

"Suck nuke, bitch," said LightningHunter, as he sent a special nuclear bomb at the author's house, a very special kind that could only destroy a house and everything in it, but completely eradicated it. And it did so. Happy days.

Ho ho ho. Well, it seems that we have already come to an end. But, on the plus side, look at these.

GOOD FLAMES BY LIGHTNINGHUNTER

Have you ever considered committing suicide, because I think that's the best way to improve writing skills like yours.

It started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better — but apart from that it was excellent.

Well, if you aspire to be a writer, don't quit your job anytime soon.

I've always believed that every fanfic writer has some potential, which can range from a great amount to a tiny amount. You've just proven me wrong. You clearly have no skill or potential.

Writing isn't for you. Believe me. Any publishing company would rather be raped by you than publish a book by you.

If a good book is formed when people can listen to the characters in their heads, you must either have been wearing earplugs or your skull fills up everything in your head.

I think I may need to shoot myself after reading this. My family and a team of lawyers will see you in court.

Just die. Please. You'd get more readers! Really.

Clearly you must not be able to read the letters on your keyboard, as quite frankly, a chimp could do a better job of spelling and grammar.

You've often mentioned in your profile that it takes a great deal out of you to constantly write. It doesn't take much of a deal to quit writing and delete your account.

Your fic is shit, your idea is shit, and clearly, you are shit.

I pity the foo who writes these fics! (Couldn't resist)

Whenever someone has just swallowed poison, they should read your fics. They're bound to vomit it out.

...wait, someone call Kishimoto, this cockfag actually likes Sasuke!

Have you ever seen (INSERT CHARACTER NAME) before? Or do you just like to give a character your own fucking beliefs and love of gay orgies and slap (INSERT CHARACTER'S NAME) over it? Go fucking watch/read/play the actual program/movie/book/manga/comic/game.

Look, you stupid fuck. It's blatantly obvious you can't write lemons for shit. The only people fucked up enough to read and enjoy this shit are teenagers entering puberty who like to jerk off to this. And your descriptions?! Clearly you've never had sex before, or even watched a porn vid, preferring to of course, read about it on the fanfiction site. You fucking sad ass.

Why don't you go and sodomise yourself with your own computer mouse, you shit-faced retard.

Clearly you were in the Land of High when you wrote this.

You gay fag. You write about cutting as if it actually is relief. The only people who believe that are as completely shit-faced as you. What are you trying to do, encourage people to fucking try and kill themselves?! Do us a favour and use that razor to cut your neck instead of your throat this time, instead of torment us with your stupidity.

What a stupid sad fuck.

Ah, of course, now you've made a guy pregnant. Tell me, how fucked up is your mind? Do you think the moon is made of cheese? Are you so retarded that you enjoy cutting and raping younger siblings, and in turn getting raped by older relatives? Do you have fetishes for anything, like bestiality, necrophilia, vomit-philia, and crap-philia? Those answers are correct, as you are a load of shit author, also known as a mpreg author. If I was to kill you, I could explain that as justified killing. Save me the trouble and remove your stories and kill yourself.

But of course, the winner is:

To The Complete Gay Twat who wrote this load of shit.

Burn in the deepest abyss of hell. You damn made me fucking vomit, with your gay orgies and your complete stupidity in the summary about not mentioning that this was slash, as well as saying it was the greatest story ever. You gay faggot.

I hope you die a really painful death. Like AIDS! I want you to die of AIDS! FUCKING DIE! YOU USELESS, STUPID, DONKEY-RAPING, SHIT-EATING, COCK-SUCKING, BALL-LICKING, ASS-KISSING, BULL-SHITTING, SISTER-FUCKING, FUCKED UP WHORE!

Have a good day,

From your friendly neighbourhood LightningHunter

* * *

To the authors like mpreg authors, die.

To good authors, and to all readers, Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

LightningHunter (as he approaches a year to being a member of this site, but to when I first started reading fanfiction, late October last year)


	3. Chapter 3

Finally, I'm back.

Today's recurring jokes will be "in that way" and "my lawyer."

Oh- and a response to people who seem to think I'm a psychopathic ranting lunatic who actually plots to do this stuff.

Firstly, this is all stuff that has been made for entertainment. The thing is, I don't actually believe in murdering people for a reason as silly as putting stupid stuff on the internet, because that's just about everyone.

I am not homophobic. If you've ever watched the episode of South Park where the kids get in trouble for use of the word "fag", except they're using it to describe bikers instead of calling them gay, and so the word is reclassified- that's sort of what I do. Or used to, anyway. I was about fourteen or fifteen when I wrote the first chapter of this parody, and kids that age tend to throw around the words "gay" like anything. Nowadays, I don't actually do that, strangely enough. I do not believe in discriminating against humans, even if sometimes they are people who discriminate as well.

The reason I hate yaoi fics is because they're written by teenage fangirls who want to masturbate to it. If it's actually written by a gay guy, you know, I still won't read it, but I can understand why he'd make otherwise straight characters gay. For the same reasons, I don't read yuri fics because that'd just make me a hypocrite here. Nor am I interested in masturbating to fanfiction, there's an entire world of porn for that sort of stuff.

I'm fully aware this is technically not an actual story, more of a collection of rants intended to be funny.

My self-esteem is actually surprisingly okay. I usually don't succumb to peer pressure and I'm usually quite headstrong and fairly happy with my life.

I'm also aware these are mistakes often made by newbie writers. I mean, hell, my fics were pretty bad when they started out. It's part of the reason I deleted a bunch of them, people barely remember them now and think they were great instead of that reading them again and seeing they were awful and cliché. It's a trend for new young writers, actually.

I've never used any of the flames I've written, nor have I actually driven a writer off this site. As I've mentioned, these are all jokes.

Oh, and to the guy who said "I'd tell you to die for being so pathetically pigheaded, but that would sink me down to your level." No, mate, you've still said it. It's like people who say "No offence, but I fucking hate you."

However, I apologise for swearing so much. That's the only bit where I'll concede I've screwed up a bit. So to apologise, I've toned down the profanity a little. A little.

* * *

Parodying Naruto wants revenge on Konoha (can't believe I haven't done this yet)

"OMFG!" yelled an author. "It's so obvious that everyone was beating the shit out of Naruto! How come he doesn't take revenge! I know, I'll write a fic where he does! And gets a harem, cos that's cool, right! Oh, I wish I had a harem! Must make Naruto act like me, so my poor low self-esteem can feel like I actually could get laid, but regretfully, the only thing I have introduced to my manhood is my own hand! Well, not that regretfully, it does feel good...yeah...oh yeah..."

(You can probably guess what this guy is doing now)

"Wahey! Wahey! Honk! Honk! Bingo! Bingo!"

(At least you just have to hear him and not see him)

Title: Unforgiven! (It's not even a word, despite what Metallica or Clint Eastwood say.)

Summary: Naruto won't forgive Konoha for hurting him! He'll have revenge! Harem!

Genre: Angst/Romance

Chapter 1.

"GAH! ARGH! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" screamed Naruto. He pointed at the villagers. "ON YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU!"

"Naruto, are you feeling alright?" said Kakashi.

"YOU BASTARD! YOU NEGLECTED ME!"

Kakashi scratched his head. "Neglected you? Naruto, I'm a ninja, not your guardian or parental figure."

"YOU ALWAYS PICKED SASUKE OVER ME!"

"Now, now, Naruto, I fully explained my reasons in LightningHunter's Parody of Abused Naruto Fics," Kakashi said, shaking his finger for extra emphasis. "And no, this definitely isn't advertisement."

"AND YOU!" He yelled at Sakura. "ALWAYS BITCHING AT ME!"

"I was twelve," protested Sakura. "I was under peer pressure. Besides, I'm not like that anymore."

"AND, ER, YOU AS WELL!"

"Me?" said Jiraiya, looking around. "What the hell do I have to do with anything?"

"FUCK YOU ALL! GAH! I VILL DESTROY DIS VILLAGE!" He screamed, suddenly sounding like a bitter German after losing two-nil in the World Wars.

"You kinda can't."

"NEIN!"

"Naruto!" yelled Tsunade as she broke onto the screen. "What the fuck are you doing?! You're supposed to be doing a mission!"

"YOU VILL ALL PAY-!"

Tsunade grabbed him by his jumpsuit. "What are you on, you brat!? I've had twenty complaints about you today! Damn it, you're going to be helping me with my paperwork for the rest of the week!"

"-eh?"

"Besides, you need practise for being Hokage."

"I SAID I VILL DESTROY DIS VILLAGE! I DON'T VANT TO BE HOKAGE!"

"Of course, of course," Tsunade soothed. "Now, some paperwork will make it all go away."

* * *

Next, another crossover parody. This time, to do with 300, instead of Harry Potter. As cool as the film was, it just doesn't work with Naruto. Fortunately, people don't write them anymore, but those crappy fics that came out when I saw them- urgh.

Observe in this careful documentary.

"I need popularity! I know, I'll make a crossover!" decided a random author. "Let's see, ah yes, 300! Why not!? There have been plenty of morons who have got away with it, why not me as well?"

Title: Naruto, Spartan Warrior! (actually, this is probably a better title then most Naruto/300 crossovers)

Summary: Naruto is descended from Spartans, blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, you've read it before.

Genre: Adventure

Chapter 1

"Naruto!" said Hiruzen (this is the first name of the Sandaime by the way). "You are Yondy's son, blah blah blah, descended from Spartans, blah blah blah, take this spear, helmet and shield and go out and look cool!"

-INSERT TRAINING MONTAGE-

Naruto made a bunch of Clones and used them to block up the pass. Ninja began approaching in the distance.

-INSERT QUOTES FROM 300-

Meanwhile, in the real world.

The author was suddenly punched by LightningHunter.

"What is wrong with you!?" demanded LH. "You want to see what'd happen if Spartans met ninja, eh? Well, have a look!"

The charging ninja suddenly disappeared from view.

The 299 Clones (and a Naruto) looked around, before they were suddenly attacked from beneath by nin using Earth Release jutsu.

And then ninja surrounded them, pelting them with shuriken.

"Hey, this ain't fair!" complained Naruto.

A ninja shrugged. "We're shinobi, pal. We don't just charge in and attack, we sneak about, get in there and kill you any way we can. We're not retards like you Spartans."

"Cowardice!" Naruto bristled.

"What does it matter, dude? You're the only one left."

Naruto looked around, before raising his spear, and charging, babbling some nonsense about Sparta and all that.

The ninja looked around. They were ninja and way faster then this, so it looked like Naruto was running in slow-motion.

He had enough to time to both pick his nose and scratch his arse before he killed Naruto.

"Wow, I never thought of it like that!" said the author.

"You see now? About these Spartan crossovers?" asked LH.

"Yeah! I should have just done a Harry Potter crossover!"

The author turned back to his computer, deleting the 300 stuff, and filling it with Harry Potter stuff.

LightningHunter sighed as he took out his mighty weapon, but not in that way.

* * *

Let's address something people. Most when they write their usual crappy bullshitty fics always write that Naruto hates the pain, the people, the usual shit.

What'd really make it hilarious would be Naruto if he was masochist. Sort of like Grey Fox when he fought Snake back in MGS1.

* * *

"Oh yeah! Hurt me! A lot! Please!" yelled Naruto in glee, as he lay on the ground amidst broken beer bottles which always seem to magically appear in these fics.

The crowd stopped their beating.

"What?" said one man, sure he had misheard that filthy demon brat thing.

"I'm so fucking crazy! Hurt me! Hurt me!" Naruto pretty much bounced around, smashing his face into walls and windows.

"Let's get out of here!" The crowd then proceeded to piss off (but not in that way), leaving Naruto behind.

"Hey, a ramen stand..."

* * *

Now, that would make a good bit of comedy. Or maybe a Naruto who sort of took everything in his stride.

* * *

"So, catch the game last night?" Naruto said in between punches.

The man currently pummelling his face stopped. "Oh yeah, good game that. I suppose you missed it, what with us breaking your tv again."

"Ah, it's fine, it's fine, continue," said Naruto, and the man continued punching him in the face.

The guy beating him in the gut suddenly began talking. "This is what you get for squealing, squealer!" he said in a 1930's gangster accent.

"Do what?" said Naruto.

"Sorry, you kinda get into the feeling of things," the guy apologised.

"What the hell man?" said face-puncher. "You broke me out of my frickin' rhythm, but not in that way!"

"Yeah, tell me about it!" said the bloke attacking Naruto's feet.

"What, the game?" said face-puncher confusedly.

"I'm sorry," apologised gut-beater.

"What for?" Naruto asked confusedly.

Feet-attacker scratched his head. "...What's actually going on?"

"Why don't we just resume the whole beating thing, but not in that way," said Naruto.

"Good idea!" said face-puncher. "Er...where we we?"

"Well, you face-puncher, was about to uppercut me in the chin. Gut-beater was about to go for the liver, and feet attacker was going to go for a shin kick."

"Oh, alright, thanks!" said face-puncher, uppercutting Naruto in the chin.

* * *

You know, something like that.

* * *

Now, we've seen it. The whole pairings problems. So many of them seem so fucking similar now.

Naruto and Sakura always looks something like:

"OMG! Naruto, I never loved Sasuke at all, it was you!"

"Okay! Let's have sex!"

Or something like:

"I can't believe I got into a relationship with Sasuke! Naruto, I loved you, I just couldn't express it!"

"Okay! Let's have sex!"

Naruto and Hinata looks like:

"Naruto-kun, I love you! I just never had the guts because I'm frickin' useless!"

"Wow, you're actually pretty! And seeing as I'll go for anyone who supported me, despite that you stalked me to the point of being disturbing, or that you supported me from the shadows where it means fuck all, let's go and change the Hyuuga Clan or leave Konoha! Okay! Let's have sex!"

Or as it is now.

"Naruto-kun, I love you! And Pain's about to kill me!"

"Wait, why do I have to save you? You'd get magically revived anyway, proving once and for all that Kishimoto is a massive pussy. Oh, right, because this fanfic author threw a hissy fit on how I lay here and did nothing while you got hit even though I kind of have swords stuck through my arms."

"..."

"Okay! Let's have sex!"

...Sorry for going off track, back to pairings.

Even less common pairings are becoming more and more similar! For example-

Naruto and Temari:

Most of the time it seems they're just throwing in a scene with overprotective brothers, and some crap about Temari accepting Naruto because she's used to someone with a demon, and there you go.

Naruto and Tenten:

Include a scene as Tenten who works at a weapons shop. That's all you need in one of those. Seriously. Oh, and for some reason they like to make Tenten into a flirty character, who does a lot of initiating. And I mean a lot of initiating. You can throw in Neji bashing. And some Gai/Lee scenes but not in that way, I meant with all the hugging and shit and not in that way.

Naruto and Anko:

Some shit about both of them being turned away by the villagers, and throw in a lot of angst shit about "demon brats" and "snake bitches" and there you go. Also make Anko obsessed with sex, and the old hiding behind a mask horseshit (The common phrase is bullshit, but I'm so original I'll say this instead.) You can make Orochimaru show up for some strange reason, but not that reason.

Naruto and Kurenai:

Stuff about Naruto being interested in older women, usually with Kurenai teaching Naruto in some way. Include some poetry about Kurenai's eyes, and there you go. Throw in Team 8 getting the shock of their life- hell, virtually everyone getting shocked, Kurenai's about fourteen years older than Naruto, and you can put in some Asuma bashing, or just make him more obsessed with cigarettes than love.

I'm too bored by pairings now. Let's end this pairings section with some yaoi bashing.

"OMG!" cried an author (thirteen, schoolgirl, and downright fangirl). "Naruto and Sasuke look so hot, OMG, like so, like awesome, totally!" (It's actually quite a good idea to imagine this author speaking with one of those stereotypical bitchy American schoolgirl voices. Doesn't really work with any other voice) "Like, I know! I'll go and write an obscene number of yaoi fics about them! Oh wait, another damn Internet survey!"

"Do you think women are better then men, and why?" asked the survey.

"Yes, because women don't get turned on by thinking about two members of the opposite gender," wrote the schoolgirl, before getting on with writing her male-male fic.

Her door opened, and I'm sure you're expecting LightningHunter to appear and kill her.

Wrong.

Instead, there was half a ton of explosives.

Pinned to all the Semtex was a note stating: "Have a nice day."

* * *

My lawyer has been released from prison, and he says that I have to tell you that the last scene does not indicate anything about whether men or women are superior. I fully believe they are equal, but it is _mildly_ annoying about how many times I hear that certain argument after knowing what people write in fanfiction, and yes, in that way.

* * *

Now, time for LightningHunter's Request Centre, where we make your dreams come true, but not in that way.

Okay, hello, Megaolix. What was it?

Harem fics and Naruto having sex at twelve, oh wait, we can have fun with this one:

"Naruto!" yelled girl 1. "You're not getting hard enough!"

"I haven't gone through puberty yet!" yelled Naruto "I still think you all have cooties!"

"Then why are you sleeping with us?!" shouted girl 2.

"I don't know!" Naruto cried. "We're in a shit fic people, work with me!"

"We would, but you can't get hard enough! Look at it, it's miniscule!" said girl 3.

"Oh, that's a bit harsh! Here am I, my trousers round my ankles, I've somehow managed to hit girl 4 in the eye with the condom- which by the way is never present in fanfics, are we trying to advertise unprotected sex, STDs and teenage pregnancies- she's still crying, and you three are still complaining that I can't get big enough! I'm not even sure if I can have a proper orgasm yet! Well, sorry, but I haven't gone through puberty! Sorry my voice hasn't broken yet! Sorry that I've got no hair on my balls! Sorry-!"

The door suddenly burst open.

"Ah ha! I thought so!" It was the coppers, the old bill, the bobbies- well, the police. "Look at this! It's a camp of paedophiles!"

"What?" said Naruto and girls 1 to 4.

"Look at this! Each and everyone of you is currently intimately involved with an under-age child! It'll be the slammer for this, you'll be in the clink, doing porridge- well, you'll be going to jail!"

"But, we are under-age already!"

"Exactly! You're nicked, you're banged up, you're all arrested. Oh, and you have the right to remain silent."

* * *

My lawyer is no longer high, and so he would like to apologise for the references to child molestation in the last bit. Even though the joke was that children were being arrested for "molesting" other children.

* * *

Next, Son of the Morning.

Where the village learns of Naruto's heritage and all of a sudden apologises and adores him.

"Shh, he's here!" whispered the villagers, looking down the road.

It was Naruto.

Instantly, the sun came up, rainbows appearing, and women started crying "I'm pregnant through his eyes, but not in that way!"

Naruto approached a fruit stall.

"Er, hi, I need-"

"Great Namikaze-sama, son of the great Yondaime! How might I serve you! And might I say that I am most humbled by your presence here! And might I say that orange is a most fetching colour on you sir!"

"Er, okay, yeah, I just want to buy a banana-"

"Here, take them all!" yelled the vendor, handing over an entire crate of bananas.

"Actually, I can't afford-"

"They're all on the house! It is nothing compared for what you have done for us!"

"Yeah, well, I can't carry-"

Several blokes suddenly appeared, all lifting up the crate. "We'll help you, great Namikaze-sama!"

"Look, I only wanted a damn banana! One! Singular! One!"

"Oh, forgive us, Namikaze-sama!" They dropped the crate, and dropped to their knees, bowing.

Naruto just took a banana, peeling it open from the top.

"Great Namikaze-sama, you're not opening the banana the correct way! Allow us to aid you!"

"Look, just fuck off!"

"Fuck?" They questioned. "Oh, if you are having carnal desires, my child, please feel free to screw anyone in the village you like! Even us, we won't talk!"

"The hell?!" Naruto's eyes had almost jumped out of their sockets. "Look, I'm just a normal guy!"

"He is so humble, our great Namikaze-sama!" all the villagers cried, approaching.

"Huh- wait, get away from me-!"

Naruto was suddenly hoisted up on a villager's shoulders as they began holding a parade in Naruto's honour.

"Namikaze-sama, will you marry me?"

"Namikaze-sama, should I stop taking drugs?"

"Namikaze-sama, what do you have to say about the recession?"

"Namikaze-sama, will you promote one of the many shit movies made by Disney?"

"Fuck's sake, piss off!" screamed Naruto, kicking the villagers away. "What the hell's the matter with you people? All this bollocks about me being some kind of god, and-"

"Namikaze-sama, you are god as well? I could only have expected so!"

"Fuck off!"

* * *

My lawyer's hangover has finished, so he would like to me say that new Disney movies are not shit due to the fact they are very rich. Very rich. Much more richer than me.

.rettihs gnitteg tsuj era seivom rieht hguoht nevE

* * *

Now, time for Tenshi's-Wings.

The parody of weird illogical fics where character A gets raped by character B but decides they are in love with character B. Or where character A escapes/gets rescued, undergoes no/minimal trauma/ mental anguish, and hops into bed with character C for comfort sex.

The first one sounds easier to parody.

Let's think of an unlikely pairing that might be used as character A and B.

Rape fics I usually avoid altogether, as I feel most the authors just can't write about the pain that the victims undergo. It really sickens me when people make rape such an important point, but just can't capture the reality.

But what sickens me even more is that you get a lot of rape fics that are used to create yaoi love.

Ergh.

Seriously, why would anyone rape people, prostitution and masturbation was invented for a reason. But anyway-

So, the unlikely duo of character A and B will be made from Hinata and Suigetsu. These two characters were chosen completely by random. Well, the first pair was Kisame and Tsunade, but that was too weird even for me.

So, misc. author (let's call him Bob) tries to write rape fic.

Title: Suigetsu rapes Hinata

Summary: One day, Suigetsu got hammered and felt a bit horny, so found Hinata and raped her. Hinata can't help but fall in love with him.

Genre: Angst/Romance (Jeez, I can feel my brain melt as I read over this)

By Bob.

Chapter 1.

Suigetsu got very drunk. Yes he did.

"God, I've got the mother of boners!" he yelled at his teammates, doing a pelvic thrust to show them the severity of the situation.

"Fuck off!" said Juugo.

"Fuck off!" said Karin.

"Really, how big- wait, I mean fuck off!" said Sasuke.

Suigetsu sighed and began looking for an unsuspecting victim. He suddenly found himself a thousand miles away from wherever he had been, in Konoha.

He was in a dark alley, and he saw Hinata walk down the road. He quickly grabbed her and pulled her into an abandoned house.

"W-W-What a-a-are y-y-you d-d-doing?" said Hinata with the mother of stutters.

"I'm gonna fuck you, softly, I'm gonna screw you gently, I'm gonna hump you- sweetly, I'm gonna ball you- discreetly!"

"H-H-Huh?"

"Well, not really. Instead, I'm gonna fuck you HARD!"

-INSERT GRAPHIC RAPE SCENE-

-INSERT AFTERMATH WHERE HINATA DOES A BIT OF CRYING, SITS IN A HOSPITAL WARD, MAYBE GETS PREGNANT-

"Oh S-S-Suigetsu, S-S-S-uigetsu, h-h-h-ow I l-l-long f-f-for y-y-you," sang Hinata, with that ever persistent stutter.

"Er, Hinata, didn't he kind of rape you?" asked Tsunade, confused.

"It d-d-doesn't m-m-matter," answered Hinata. "I l-l-love h-h-him!"

Tsunade looked puzzled, before dismissing it. She was there to maintain physical health, and was only supposed to deal with mental health if there had been a genjutsu. Besides, this way Hinata might not kill herself, like some rape victims did.

* * *

"S-S-Suigetsu, I l-l-love y-y-you!" shouted Hinata, having found the crazy nutter.

"Who the hell are you?" answered Suigetsu.

Remember, he'd been drunk when he raped her.

Hinata started sobbing. "D-D-Don't y-y-you r-r-remember o-o-our n-n-night of p-p-passion?"

"Goddamn it, speak properly!" yelled Suigetsu, shaking her by the shoulders.

"Y-Y-You e-e-even g-g-got me p-p-pregnant!"

"What?!" shouted Suigetsu, taking a few steps back. "Wait, you're that girl I raped one random day."

"Y-Y-Yeah!"

"Stop that, it's really annoying! Anyway, it looks like I'll have to resort to drastic measures."

"W-W-What?"

"Run away! You'll never find me! Wahey, I'm off!"

Suigetsu disappeared, but Sasuke appeared.

"You dared to touch my Getsu-kun!" said Sasuke in a high-pitched voice. "I'm going to murder you!"

* * *

My lawyer has finished disposing of a prostitute's body, and would now like me to tell you that we do not intend to endorse the murdering of pregnant women. Or rape.

* * *

Speculation Time:

Another theory on how to mpreg works. I have always avoided such fics, so I have no idea how it's portrayed, but this could be how it works.

The doctor walked into the room, adopting his bedside manner.

"Good news is you've had a baby. The bad news- you've blown your cock off."

And that's all from Speculation Time today.

* * *

Now, there's also been a new rise. Well, not new, it's just that I haven't mentioned it before.

Making Naruto into the world's biggest dick.

Now, let's face it; you can do anti-heroes or Byronic heroes with levels of dickerry. But it eventually gets to a point when you realise- hang on, this is an actual villain protagonist we're reading about, who's far away from the bumbling orange-clad nut we all know and ...insert whatever word you like here.

I can't mention any titles, for obvious reasons, but you've seen them.

Just about every Naruto will destroy Konoha fic falls under this.

As does the majority of Dark! Fics.

Some fics write this incredibly well, with unclear moralities, when the world is not black and white, but in complete grey, and the hero is hard to tell- aw, who am I kidding, there's only about one real fic that does this incredibly well, it's Lost Soul by LD1449.

The other writers just tend to be writing a dick because they love dick.

That's a stupid pun, but I just wanted to use it, as of ten seconds ago when I was writing this bit.

Now, you see, when Naruto's swearing like a sailor, he shows no mercy, he massacres hundreds, he cares for barely anyone (apart from his wives (yes, these fics tend to have harems) who pretty much act like slaves to him (but the writer will try and disguise this by making them try and make cool collected comments, giggling, occasionally making them call him a pervert and other random shit), and he tends to dress like motherfucking Sauron.

Surely, there's got to be some point when someone else in the fic gets it into their heads that "hey, wtf? Isn't this guy- the bad guy?"

These fics also tend to have nice Kyuubi, who acts like a mentor, or passes on his title. I mean, come on. All the other characters can be open to interpretation- but the Kyuubi is generally one of the greatest forces of evil shown in Naruto.

There's not one moment when he has shown anything but hatred for the human race, and every one of his major actions are motivated towards his survival and/or freedom.

Changing this is the greatest act of injustice- its fanfiction, we have to follow rules people, it's not our imagination we've been using; we're stealing other people's characters here! What's the point in writing a fanfiction if nothing about it is similar to the actual fiction, just the names of places and people?

I mean, Elementary. What is the real one thing that has been changed there? Naruto is intelligent, essentially. A few more minor things along the way, but you know what they say, a butterfly flapping its wings the wrong way can end up with an earthquake somewhere. And the thing is about that, is that Naruto has clearly turned into this after years.

Making him turn into a massive dick after one incident that happens about five minutes into the fic is not how it works. Making people kick the shit out of him, okay. I can understand you might want to make that the real one thing to change, but then how does that usually work, abusing a kid? It turns them into submissive people when they're older, or abusive dicks themselves. So yeah, actually, good work on that, the latter happens all the time.

Well, sorry to go all serious on you guys.

Since I've made rape out to be horrible, why not think of the funny side? Imagine Pakkun the dog raping Tonton the pig. That's hilarious.

* * *

Hm. Seems like I spent quite a lot of time being too serious today. Well, that may have actually been the worst chapter.

But you know, this really is the end now. No more. The end. Stop asking me for new chapters.

Sure, douchery will go on forever, but I can only do so for so long. As well as that, I barely read Naruto fanfiction anymore anyway, so I'm not really in tune with the modern fanfiction world.

You kids these days and your loud music, and your Minato Namikaze instead of Arashi Kazama, and your Hiruzen Sarutobi instead of Sarutobi, and your names for the First Two Hokages, and your rapping demon containers, and your fancy site traffic system and your DocX and having inboxes on the site...(shake fist dramatically).

Well, LightningHunter's Parody is over.

"And that's the end of that story," said LightningHunter, closing the book as he leaned back in his chair. "Now get the fuck out of my house."


End file.
